Meat The New Post, Same As The Old Post

She has gotten fat since I first met her. Oh granted, she was always a bit on the "chunky-fried" side (and who am I to talk?) but she has really put on weight. It's noticeable. And I don't think it's baby fat, so I don't think she'll "grow into it" unless she plans on growing another two feet. It's all that drinking and partying she does. That coat doesn't fit you any more Miss Piggy. When will kids realize that the answer to all of the world's problems don't exist at the bottom of a bottle?

They exist right here.

Today, on Greggary Peccary's Nightmares And Dreamscapes, we will discuss a problem plaguing the world today. What is this, a political blog or something? I don't know shit about politics, really, my main agenda is fashion and "hippness" so I should probably focus on that. She has put on weight too. A different girl I mean. She's tall, and I can see it. She's widening. Her boyfriend is a really skinny gumpy guy, but such is life I suppose. Okay I must stop being such a BITCH! Joan Crawford, eat your heart out! Or something. Okay, it's finally time for the post you have all been waiting for: shoe shopping tips!

Now you might say, I already covered this in another post, but those were too quick to be of real good use. So here's my real shoe shopping tips. In other words, here's one for the ladies.

1. Take a friend. Shopping can be fun, but only if you have somebody with you! Who wants to try on shoes all day by themselves? Nobody, that's who! You might run into some sort of guy who makes Al Bundy look normal and loveable. So you should take a friend to distract the Al Bundy guy. Keep talking about your "boyfriend" (a real boyfriend is unnecessary) and keep talking about how your friend is single. Take a better looking friend. Be honest: you aren't the best looker in the group. Sheila is, even with that godawful name.

2. Be honest. Look, I know it's hard to admit you have huge feet. But do it, Peggy. Embrace your size 74 shoes. Just think of all the jobs you can get at children's parties! You'll be popular! And drunk!

3. Fuck it I don't want to do this any more.