Fat Babies

Note: I lost the original blog I created around this topic. It was probably more funny than this, but we here at Today Crumbles Away don't let things like that bother us. There are trends to discuss! So onwards, upwards, and outwards, as we discuss: FAT BABIES.

http://news.yahoo.com/s/ap/big_baby

Short note: I use yahoo a lot to check out news. I use other news sources, like google, the local newspaper in Marquette (where I live) and heresy. So you will be seeing involutary plugs for sites that have no other purposes to me. Go team!

Anyways, this news item is interesting. A fat baby was born in Russia weighing in at 17 pounds. Interesting, very interesting, that it was born in Russia, but the article mostly ignores that, focusing mostly on "yeah that baby's okay" and "did you know the fattest baby ever born was 23 pounds and 11 ounces?" I didn't know that! I also didn't know it died less than 11 hours later. I feel sorry for his poor mother. Not only does she have to stretch her privates parts out far beyond human comprehension so his disgustingly fat head and body can squeeze through, he doesn't even have the human decency to exist for longer than 11 hours! What an ingrateful wench! Kids these days.

New Trend On The Rise: Insulting and stupid opinions.

Why is this story worth covering? 17 pounds is pretty big, but not that unusual: my father weighed in at a whopping 12 pounds when he was born, and he wasn't in the national news. Did he become famous for anything at all?! Of course not. And this little fat baby only weighs five pounds less than he does. There has to be more to this story than meets the eye.

Again, I apologize for the ranting and raving done in this post. It's just as bad as the last post, but I promise I'll only rant about fat babies this time.

Old Trend On The Rise: Broken promises and stupid rants about meaningless subjects.

I think that the fact that this baby was born in Russia is very telling. "Greggary," you might say, "Russia hasn't really been an enemy of ours in some time!" Well, not since little Boris Yeltsin drove his tank through town, drunk on Vodka, and accidentially creating Democracy in Russia, toppling the great Russian communist state that existed only about 70 years. Sure, Democracy in Russia lasted about fifteen minutes before corrupt and stupid oligarchies took over, but the cold war has been over for awhile, I suppose I imagine you screaming. Well you're wrong, you stupid idiot!

New Trend On The Rise: Insulting your audience.

This post isn't as funny or as well written as the one I lost. So be it.

Basically, here's the deal: Russia is still upset that they "lost" the "war" and are looking for ways to start it back up again. Nuclear missles that were once considered a huge threat are now considered passe and played out. Sure, Russia has a ton of those things lying around, but so does America!

Trends On The Wane: Nuclear weapons and warfare.

The only people who like nuclear weapons any more are third world countries but then it's more of a "keeping up with the joneses" type thing. We have nuclear weapons: they want them. It's kind of like your little brother listening to Led Zeppelin to impress you when you've already moved onto listening to King Crimson and Captain Beefheart. In other words, it's awkward but cute.

No, the new wave of warfare will be a legion of fat babies bred in Russia and elsewhere. Think about it man! Who would see it coming? We start out with fat babies at 17 pounds: soon, we're at fat babies of 200, 300 pounds! Imagine the strange wave of terror that would overtake a nation as a wave of fat babies rushed through our streets! The reactions would be various: it might start as "oh my god, that baby is fat, the poor thing" then moving onto "but you know, it's cute, in a John Goodman sort of way" to "oh my god, that baby has a gun and is taking over America!" Pretty soon we'll all be goosestepping all over the country and zeig heiling till our brains are mush! And yes, I know that's Nazi imagery, and makes little sense when applied to a Russian takeover, but it's powerful damn it! Leave me be!

Old Trend On The Rise: Baseless and rambling paranoia.

There is only one thing we as Americans can do: if you hear of neighbors, friends, family members (even your own spouse) having a fat baby, you simply have to do the following: slaughter the mother and the father in their sleep, and cut off the head of the fat baby and search it's brain for the robotic mind control devices. For our purposes, a fat baby should be any baby over 7 pounds or more. That article stated that the average baby is 7 pounds, and by god, anything over that is obviously a terrorist plot! They start out small, like I mentioned earlier, and in America, a 9 pound baby can be considered a fat baby. No court in America will find you guilty once this post gets out: you'll be an American hero!

Old Trend On The Rise: Advocating Violence.

Okay, that's enough on fat babies. You all know what to do. I'll be back next time for shoe shopping tips!